CHANGE IS THE CATALYST TO YOUR NEXT DISAPPOINTING LIFE LESSON

LOOKIN AROUND AT THESE POSTS, AND I REALIZE I AM LOST IN SOME SORT OF MISANTHROPIC MAZE OF CIRCULAR THOUGHT WITH NO EXIT. WHEN DO I BEGIN TO *GROW UP* AND WHERE DO I DRAW THE LINE BETWEEN MY MENTAL ILLNESS AND MY PROCLIVITY TO HOLD MY SHALLOW SADNESS UP ON A PEDESTAL? WHY AM I SO ANGRY? I THOUGHT TEEN ANGST ENDED IN YOUR TEENS!

i would like to take a step back and look at my life right now because the whole world seems to think that i have a drinking problem and i may or may not agree that alcohol fills the nooks and crannies of my pathetic existence and that my lack of meaningful friendships and failed relationship after failed relationship aren't my fault but are rather a byproduct of the volatile nature alcohol seems to bring forth, but i still maintain that this is not a problem!!! without it, i would be wallowing in my own filthy pity for myself as i am right now, wishing i were out or calling someone or doing anything instead of trying to wrestle this knot of dread out of my stomach.

LIFE IS EASY WHEN YOU'RE NOT TRYING!!!!! PUT IT ON CROOZE CONTROL WE GOT THIS IN THE BAG

dude where's my mind

full of shit !!! everything is constipated with everyone's stinky impulsive thinking, irrational action and even more nonsensical reaction.... i can't shake this looming sense that i don't belong, no matter where i wander off to, and i'm starting to realize that i am better off locked in my room wallowing in my own sweaty, glandular, chemically altering juices, wondering where my mother went wrong (i was once a well behaved, soft spoken toddler of three; i am now a well behaved, soft spoken toddler of 20 with not much more direction in life other than my want of shiny toys and creature comforts). this idea i've got plastered all over the walls of my inner psyche that the distant future holds some miraculous, life altering self discovery of such proportion that i will cast aside the years of self-isolation and inability to cope with even the slightest disturbances in my supposed 'happiness' is starting to wear thin, and in its threadbare place i am left with the harrowing fact that i have been stuck in the same place for the past eight years. how many times am i going to make this incessant circular joke that i call 'logical thinking'?

this tinny beer is fuckin with my brains, dudes

not unlike the dozen or so feral cats living outside my window, my allergies have come back with a vengeance, meaning i am shooting out gooey lumps of blackened lung tissue and filmy spit bubbles from most orifices. my left ear has been taken captive by a rogue few milliliters of unaccounted bodily fluid and now ceases to function, so every party i go to sounds like an indeterminate number of self-involved assholes yelling to each other about their shitty band's new direction or the most intense shroom trip of their life where they met their dead grandma and jimi hendrix and all subsequently tried on dresses at nordstrom--- all like it's fucking underwater and i'm left in the middle of it all, wamp wamp wamping away, trying to figure out if the guy in front of me is offering me a beer or asking if it's ok to lick my asshole. i take the beer and run, anyway, just to be safe, cuz life is hard when you're sober and chances are if he catches up with me, the rimming won't be so much a chore as it is a funny story to tell my grandkids when they've reached middle school.

picking at scabs is consuming my life

wallowing in the gelatinous filling of a lemon filled donut, wondering if my insides will explode from my compulsive rumination and my cat will lick the remnants of my dinner and pancreatic juices off my bedpost and dirty underwear or i'll just sit here like a lump on an ovary, wondering when the air will start smelling less like garbage and your unsettling lack of body odor and more like something my brain can nibble on. in other words, my heart is heavy and i can't get my tongue around this large bottomless pit of fuzzy mindedness and sinking serotonin.

resurrected from the ashes of satan's graduation bonfire celebration

after a rather unfortunate hiatus from writing blogged nonsense, i've come back for second and thirds and quartered peasants and whatnot. maintaining a blog with no real intentions of gaining any followers is kind of like scrawling some half assed message on the handicapped stall in the girl's room next to sbarro's......in the bad part of town. you know, the one with the unwhite people.... white people are funny because they insist if they point out the subtle racism other white people poop out, they are gaining "street cred" and maybe afro-jesus will allow their presence at his super fucking awesome hip hop heaven party featuring ludacris and miley cyrus circa 1996 but not biggie smalls because he is in hell along with every other deceased obese. see what i did there, that's called "cynicism." maybe one day i'll realize that i'm not as emotionally disadvantaged as i would like to think but for now i'm going to cry on my own shoulder and pat my own back and tell myself it will be ok because the television channel still has quality programming and my meals still come packaged and prepared for my convenience and my mother wants nothing more than to tuck me in at night and tell me that she loves me but instead she watches Law and Order and scares herself into triple checking the locks on the windows and tells my dog she is quite possibly the most important figure in her life.....depression is depressing but it sure isn't eye opening.